Is 1 better than 0? And 2? is 2 better than 1?
Those who know me well, know that I don´t have a good relationship with numbers. I have never had, end even this so-called relationship has smoothed up after a diagnosed math disability, numbers terrify me tremendously and my approach is full of skepticism. I do, however, have a weird comprehension about them. I somehow make sense of it all my head, in a strange way, and somehow I manage.
For example, I comprehend numbers that increase as a good meaning: is better to have 3 oranges instead of 1; or 5 pair of shoes instead of 2… There are some exceptions, of course, where numbers that reduce are actually a good thing, as when Cipralex is reduced from 10 to 5 mg, or when the days until the next vacation reduce by 1 every day until it arrives.
I am in day 1, which according to my mother is better than day 0, and she says that 2 is even better than day 1, and that it will get easier as the days go by. I hear my mom with the same skepticism as I approach numbers. Her theory states that as the days go by into a higher number, the heartache diminishes in intensity. That one thing goes up as another goes down at the same time, takes some time in my head to process.
“How do you know that they move equally at the same rate?”
“I don´t. As a ball balancing over a threat, some days the ball will push harder onto an end, and you will have to make an extra effort to keep that ball from falling. Some days, it may pull to the other side, and it will get easier.”
“A ball on a thread?”
“I didn’t say it will be easy. Just collect as much strength on the good days and save it for the bad days.”
When I go out with the girls I have the habit to pick up the check and try to figure out for some endless minutes how to split the total. Nevertheless, not even the calculator on the iPhone helps, so the girls are always teasing me.
“Jesus, why do you get bother? It takes forever if you do it!” they laugh.
“I must try. I have to know that at least I tried”
Today is day 1, and frankly I don´t feel it much better that day 0, but I will trust my mom and her theory, so tomorrow it will be day 2 and the next day, 3, and who knows, I may even get to balance the ball on top of the threat.
I am still shit scared, but I must try… right?