The office Christmas party is tonight and I didn’t have to prepare much when I had to think of a perfect outfit. I master my heels and LBDs so that is a no-brainer. Or at least it is until 24 hours before the party, when thanks to impulse shopping a way too colorful dress lays on my bed ready to go.
How bad can it be? Not that bad if one is used to, but until the feeling settles inn, I feel like a damn cupcake bathed on Pantone 253, so when I walk into the party and I feel I am being noticed on a sea of dark suits and LBDs, and past the first looks -I get confident and happy I didn’t put on my own and safe LBD. Things change when after listening to a brief speech, I walk into the bathroom to reapply lipgloss and when l slightly turn, l must lean over to check and confirm that I have 2 bite marks on my naked shoulder. Fuck, I think while having a mini heart attack, fuck, fuck, fuck…I did stand right in front of several big bosses during the speech…
As my confidence vanishes, I pick up the phone and yell at him, I notice AttentionWhore couldn’t be happier, no, prouder, of his actions. Feeling much insecure about me going out tonight, honey? I don’t see his face, but I swear hi is smiling proudly.
Some minutes to recap, a party-cigarrete outside and I wonder, why I kinda panicked, and I freaked out in my own insecurity for looking like I shouldn’t be looking tonight, and at the end, I too, begin to smile: well, let’s be proud! Proud for being in my 40’s and feeling awesome, and have a good and passionate sex life.
On the dance floor one picks up on the vibe and traces the bites with one hand as holds me tighter with the other. An elegant retreat and a phone call to go home.
While I wait to go home, I wonder about actions and reactions, about what we do, about the intentions we do them with and the snowball that can turn unexpectedly direction. And I wonder that sometimes insecurities may leave us defenseless and sometimes, without warning, defensive.