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Conclusion about Valentines: a plot against womankind

I find this festivity generally annoying and overdone, and not because I have anything against love –I am in love- but because I believe this so called… celebration is a plot against womankind:

Lets review:

Origins – Where the story comes from is as confusing as season three of Lost. One of the legends around tells that this Valentine dude was a troublemaker priest in roman times that married people illegally. Because of that, they put him in jail and there he started fencing the guard ´s daughter –with whom he would do the nasty with, until he was sentenced to death. Maybe this should be about lust, not love, one wonders, but anyway… where the hell come a half-naked chubby child, in February and carrying weapons?

The roses – If you are greeted in a restaurant with a dozen roses, what the hell do you do al night long with the flowers? Tables are small because the need to create “intimacy”, and you end up putting the flowers on the floor. And probably you will end up holding them awkwardly the rest of the night – not good for making out purposes.

The romantic dinner with aphrodisiac foods – You have been starving probably for at some weeks before the V-day, and you are hungry, weak and pissed off. You are dying to eat even the golden letter on the chocolate box but you wont because is dinnertime and you are not about to ruin it. But dinner comes and you only see oysters (alive) garlic, beets, asparagus and if you are really, really lucky, Fugu liver with deer penis wine.

(gaging – recompose – gag again – reapply lipstick)

The chocolate – Now you can pig out freely with all the chocolate you want, and you do because today you are allowed, but because you have been starving for a while, you have a knot on your stomach and visions of pimples covering your face in the next two days appear on your mind forbidding you to allow yourself any pleasure.

The sex – Sure! you are in a great self-confidence moment right after pigging out savagely on the chocolate. Very ready for some sexy time, right? Right… Apparently, we don’t have enough stage fright when naked in front of a man in normal circumstances, that we need to wear slutty red underwear made of cheap polyester and feathers, resembling a cheap hooker. And you know that if tonight goes well, you will probably need to wait one week to meet your lover until all those pimples disappear.

So Valentines can really bite me, because I don’t believe that the “official” way to say  “I love you” is through  dead vegetation and fat-saturated sugar products…

15 Comments Post a comment
  1. hahahahaha… i just love you!! this is exactly how i feel about all of that crap! i’d rather spend it at home in my pajamas eating comfort food 🙂

    February 15, 2011
  2. Arthur Park #

    You are so unfortunate to be with a cynic, because a cynic is a (hopeless) romantic always hoping to be proven wrong. Valentines day could be a day to celebrate double, and without oysters (which i actually like – alive, and it make wonders with the… *ehem* – semen)

    Hvor var jeg? Jo:

    Without oysters and chockolate, it possible this day double valuable, is to make (Yoda). My mother sent me a Valentines-sms, but it’s not the same.

    For you, all 365 – and twice today.

    I love your post.

    February 15, 2011
    • I am a sarcastic, my dear Arthur, but never a cynical. I am a romantic, and a purist, if you want, therefore, do I want to express love, I do it any time, in any form. Never the less, if I want to use an explicit date for expressing love, I would use one with more romance, history, essence… you you know which one I am talking about.

      BTW: Any special reason we need to increase sperm counts and semen volume?


      February 15, 2011
      • Arthur Park #

        I know, honey.

        What I don’t know, is if the oysters will help on the sperm count, but it does on the amount, and the colour. I am tempted to share what a 15 year old found out when eating polar oysters, and what is possible to redescover in Paris, alone in a hotel room near Gare du Nord, with a full stomach and pay per view tv.

        I will if you ask, but not as a comment on your blog

        February 15, 2011
  3. I think love is to be celebrated when you feel loved or feel the need to express love. I have no desire to let a dangerous looking little winged, weapon carrying fucker force me to do it on his schedule.

    Especially not with Deer Penis Wine! *gag*

    February 16, 2011
  4. So Valentines can really bite me, because I don’t believe that the “official” way to say “I love you” is through dead vegetation and fat-saturated sugar products…

    🙂 sums it up perfectly

    February 16, 2011
  5. my valentines day card had a picture of pepe le pew the skunk and on the inside read, “happy stinking valentines day.” bite me is right!

    February 18, 2011
  6. To take a fine woman to such an unoriginal trip, having oysters and red wine, starving to death halfway, is just stupid. We share the same dislike for valentines. Whoever decided upon a day to treat your lover better than any other day? Every lovers spend together should be celebrated.. with deer penis wine.

    April 15, 2011
  7. Damn I love the way you think…:D
    I hate V-day cause it’s so overrated…
    Why should there be just ONE day to celebrate “love” and “women”…???
    I mean…can’t a real man treat his wife, fiancé or girlfriend like she means everything to him everyday…???
    Yeah, I’m single now…but even then…I treat my female friends as though each one of them is special and dear to me…how they deserve to be treated (Maybe that’s why I always get into trouble with their “partners”)

    I agree…V-day is a plot against women…you should be able to do whatever you want when ever you want…(And flowers are for the guarden…just saying…)

    September 15, 2011
  8. You are absolutely right!
    In Catalonia we celebrate “San Jordi” our own “love day”. l wrote about it here (´abril-diada-de-sant-jordi/)

    September 16, 2011

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