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Lost and (not yet) found

By the time I sit in the car, my eyes are so full with tears that I barely manage to put the key on the starter. I have been holding in all day but now I cant hold it anymore. I cover my face with both hands sobbing and I stay there, what? 1? 2? 10 minutes? I hear people coming to the lot to pick up their cars and then I start driving.

This is the second time today.

I woke up this morning with the same feeling I have been waking up with lately, and like every morning, I put on my make up, get nicely dress and, like every morning, I tell myself “ok. Not that bad”. But it is that bad, lately.

This morning it seemed a great idea to assist to an outside breakfast meeting and leave the office for a bit. But the moment I set foot in there, and I got all these people coming at me and shaking hands, I was screaming inside “get me out of here!” The 2 hour meeting became 1 and a half and my car turned to be the place to release whatever was going on with me.

What is going on with me?

When I turned 40, all I wanted was for my friends to throw a chill out party on the beach for me. I flew to Barcelona just for the weekend and that was the coolest thing my friends had ever done. Dj, drinks, candles, flowers, banners, white fabrics, chill out seats… it was just fantastic, and I was so happy turning 40. I was pulling myself together from a horrible divorce, I manage to put together a home for me and the kids, and I was breathing again. Pride was what ruling my days. I wanted to be with people, have Sunday dinners, meet for coffee with my girls, go out, enjoy life… Silvia –the happy Silvia from some years ago- was back.

I just turn 42 now, and I feel… not myself. For the last couple of months l feel this Silvia is not the Silvia I used to be. Is this what they call a midlife crisis? Wasn’t I supposed to have it before? Why now, that things are settled down and there is peace at home? Is there, really, peace, inside?

I have made excuses to avoid meeting my girlfriends or my neighbors for my birthday; I have made excuses to avoid the work parties; I have made excuses to socialize in general. I make excuses for my body, this body I love but I don’t like. I should be happy that every loved one around me –including myself- is in good health, but it feels indifferent. I should be happy that work has been reorganized on my benefit but I am not nearly as excited as I should be; I should be thankful for all the wonderful people that love me and care about me, but I don’t seem to show the appreciation they deserve.

I am tired.

I am really tired.

So I apologize to all these people, all those things, because as it is right now I have no idea what else I can do, and I throw a pledge out there so, if you find Silvia, please send her to “lost and Found”, because as it is right now, I don’t know where to look for her, or even have the energy to look for her.

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. charmaine #

    Thinking of you always, anytime you need me!

    September 10, 2010
    • Thank you, Ch,
      l will give you an example: l ordered a new par of shoes; l get a sms from DHL. and l am most indifferent to it. It took 6 hours until l picked them up…
      C’mon… silvia? Shoes?…
      totally fucked up..

      September 11, 2010
  2. Arthur Park #

    Skal jeg komme til deg? Just say the word, and I’m on a plane.


    September 10, 2010
  3. maybe now that you have peace you have the time to have the crisis? who knows.

    I think that mid life crisis is about mourning the things that you now know will never be, no matter how silly or out of your mind they might have been: like being a ballerina or a veterinarian.

    so maybe this should be a private birthday party for you and the other Silvias in your life, the ones that happened and are no longer there, the ones that never got a chance… but make sure to invite a couple of the ones coming in the future.

    beautiful post though

    September 11, 2010
    • Good point, angelica

      thing is, workwise, I do exactly what I wanted to do, the real thing.

      I am not 100 % crazy about living in Norway, but I wouldn’t go back to NY or to Barcelona, despite my family is there. No way.

      I have AtentionWhore in my life and he appeared sweetly unexpected, and I believe he is my second wind, despite being far away and in a other level in life.

      “so maybe this should be a private birthday party for you and the other Silvias in your life, the ones that happened and are no longer there, the ones that never got a chance… but make sure to invite a couple of the ones coming in the future”

      This is something really smart, angelica; this I am taking to bed and reflecting on it.

      September 11, 2010
  4. Maybe you were tired/exhausted from way before but only at that time you didn’t have the luxury of being tired?

    I hope you find Silvia soon. {{{hugs}}}

    September 12, 2010
  5. You are always to come recharge your batteries in Idaho- it’s pretty beautiful this time of year 🙂

    Hang in there my dear friend- I know how you feel and I hope you’re already feeling better.

    September 14, 2010
  6. *sigh* oh love, i think i know what you’re going through. i am constantly pulling myself away from the edge of that pit. some days are a lot harder than others… you’re strong and will continue to be strong, but remember that you always have others to lean on who will carry you through the rough patches. {{{HUGE HUG}}}
    you always have my shoulder to lean on whenever you need it, always ❤

    September 16, 2010

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