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sabotage is the new savings

– Is it human nature to sabotage our own happiness?

I take a moment and I weight every word before I answer her. This is not the first time she does that and I wonder myself why she does it.

Because she does, sometimes, sabotage her own happiness. I have seen it before. And then she comes all confused looking for answers – answers she already knows.

I am getting annoyed. Maybe is just my mood today, maybe is because my phone is making a weird noise or maybe is because she comes out of the blue with this again. Is she happy? Yes, she is; I know she is. But I know also, that her relationship is a “probably-too-emotional-relationship”, where misunderstandings are often in order.

– Do you love him?

– Of course I do! – She jumps.

I remember that some time ago I had a rough patch with my AttentionWhore. He made a cocky comment on public taking me for granted and it actually hurt my feelings. He didn’t mean to, I know he didn’t – he told me that when things go bad in a relationship, one tries to mentally get prepared in case the relationship dissolves.

That I understand.

But what things go relatively normal, when the line is relatively flat, why try to find faults? Why try to find possible escape routes? Why try suddenly to see – or want to see – what is out there? Why do we want to look for just a little something else? Haven’t we enough?

Just plain, simple curiosity?

Nah! I don’t think so!

Sabotaging our own happiness is preparing for the future; sabotage is the savings on an emotional piggybank:

If we are at war, if we are down and unsure of us alone or us in a relationship, then we look for a defense mechanism, a preparation for the last leap of faith. Then, the hurt may be minimize if we relay on an alternate escape route. I don’t have option A anymore, thank Goodness I saved for a possible option B.

If we are happy, pleased and satisfied, we want to want more. We want to have the reassurance that something out there may always be waiting; that we will still be beautiful and desired; that doors don’t close – and if one closes, one will open right after that.

We want options. Or better said, we want to know that we may have options.

And to have options, sometimes we sabotage our own happiness.

13 Comments Post a comment
  1. Wow! That was profound! A few years ago I would have thought you were talking about me. I still catch myself trying to sabotage even my own marriage from time to time. I do think it’s in our nature as humans, but further still as independent women. I say independent women because we want to control and fix everything ourselves…this causes major trust issues with everyone in our lives and this feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    June 8, 2010
    • My dear Gadgerson,
      lf i was to continue writing this post, l would had used every single word you wrote. You are absolutely right! To loose control, of ourselves or our feelings is… uff.. scary! 🙂

      June 8, 2010
  2. Arthur Park #

    — Jeg har denne kompisen, som har denne kvinnen (i have this friend… well, he IS real) – og de viser hverandre sine mest destruktive sider, og hvis de tåler hverandre når de er som mest ødeleggende for hverandre – så tåler de hverandre også når solen skinner.

    Det er teorien. Fullstendig sabotasje, nærmest som en lakmustest på den andres kjærlighet.

    Vi tenker alle “hva om?” – vi planlegger for det verste som kan skje, og helt korrekt – vi stålsetter oss for muligheten for det verste, slik at det ikke er så ille som det kan være hvis vi er uforberedt.

    Jeg leser deg en gang til, og kjenner enda ikke helt dybden i hva du skriver. Når du saboterer en relasjon, så er du aktiv i forhold til dette verst tenkelige scenario – du støtter det, og får det til å skje? Fordi du er lykkelig? Fordi du antar at lykken tar slutt?

    June 8, 2010
    • Takk Arthur,

      What l wrote is a reaction of something l have seen before and to what once again l react with surprise and a hint of annoyance.

      Are we too afraid to expose ourselves? this fear to loose control as women?, like Gadgerson says. Maybe our own insecurities that we may not be enough, the fear to fail the person we love.

      So much goes on in our lives, so fast, that maybe we women are sometimes just too scared to let go and enjoy the ride.


      June 8, 2010
  3. Arthur Park #

    Hell yeah, and men are walking around in the henhouse with no insecurity at all – with no fear of not being enough, and with no fear of failing.

    Maybe the fears are there, but still we (some of us) enjoy the ride.

    (I am certain a lot of my fellows actually have no fear)


    June 8, 2010
  4. Jeg tror sånne sabotasjeprosjekter er basert på tidligere erfaringer. Har man brent seg nok ganger, forventer man at det vil skje denne gangen også – uansett hvor bra utgangspuntket er.

    Og når den forventningen først er etablert, så gjør en de samme feielen som sist – og vips så går det til helvete.

    Det er vel det som kan kalles en ond sirkel, eller en selvoppfyllende profeti.

    June 8, 2010
    • Takk for en flott kommentar stjernetyven – og velkommen 🙂

      Totally agree that skepticism is based on past experiences – bad experiences. The interesting thing is how one can break the circle.

      This girlfriend of mine, one of the smartest person l will ever know, and who knows me very well, gave me the wisest advice. She said:

      – Most likely you won’t be able to “trust”, because you may not know if what is said is actually real or if is not; the only thing you can do is to “believe”.

      … l live by those words every single day.

      June 8, 2010
  5. A very wise advice. Yet, to have believe is almost as difficult as trusting, isn’t it?

    The difference is perhaps that belief only can befound within oneself, while trust has to be related to another person?

    Now you got me all philosophical 😀

    June 8, 2010
  6. You are a very, very smart woman, stjernetyven…

    June 8, 2010
  7. he,he thank you – but if so, it is unfortunately only in theory 🙂

    June 8, 2010
  8. Lorelai #

    I guess there is a difference between being happy and feeling happy… I don’t believe the persons who say that they ARE 100% happy… NO. I don’t think we (at least normal people) are. We are in constant search for happiness. We can be pleased right now, but we always think that we are giving something up… and we want to discover if the grass is greener on the other side …

    Yes, that is human nature… it seems that we never get enough… more wants more.. remember?

    And the feeling of not having enough maybe the reason for us to hurt the people we love….

    This is how I define the sabotage you refering to. Another explanation would be … having some phsychological issues.. and for that, I would had to write an eassay…

    Thanks for your nice reflection! 🙂

    June 8, 2010
    • Welcome Lorelai!

      How you define this sabotage is exactly how l do, and that’s why l see it as a “human nature”. That we are naturally unsatisfied may be the reason that we either we improve ourselves and grow or that we ruin what we have.

      Quoting a very smart person, l may say that life is a a journey, a road, and we draw the mas as we go along.

      May your road be as “bump free” as possible.

      June 8, 2010

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